Monday, January 25, 2016

5 things I'm ashamed of as an autism mom

Is shame a natural feeling for all autism parents?

I hope other parents of children with autism can relate! I hate to think I'm the only one who feels these things.

1. I sometimes do my son's homework.

 There are days that I can't deal with the stress of making my son do his homework. The anger, the whining! And that's just me!

No, really, after a long workday, checking in on my elderly father and  then coming home to do housework and cook supper, I sometimes have no patience left.

I know it is setting a bad example and I'm encouraging the bad behavior, but at the time I'm too exhausted to care.

2. I often feel like giving up.

Parenting is hard work. I thought raising two daughters was work, but nothing compares to raising a special needs child. The appointments, the planning of social outings, school work, the simple daily routines - it can be overwhelming. 

The mornings are when my son is at his worst - hyperactive and mouthy - I dread them. Will he ever outgrow this?

3. I dread what the future holds for my son.

My son is high functioning so there is hope for his future - right? But what will he do or become when he has so few social skills or interests?

I had high hopes for my girls, now adults and neurotypical. I  can't see a very bright future for my boy. No medical degree, no advanced degrees at all. I don't believe even a community college will be an option. I'm a laborer and I wanted better for my kids.

4. I get way too angry way too often.

When I walk through my door and I'm greeted by a big mess - every cupboard open, toys and food scattered everywhere, and just general mayhem -  I start the nagging. Then comes the annoyance, followed by yelling.

I know the yelling makes things worse, but at times that is the only thing that gets my son's attention.
My son now looks closely at my face when he sees me. Is angry, psycho mom here or normal calm mom? Alas, much of his behavior is reflective of mine.

5.  I am too sensitive to other people's opinions.

I am way less sensitive than I used to be, but make a smart comment about how too many kids don't get the discipline - insert whipping - that they deserve, and I'll see red. When his teacher told me my son would do better if he stopped daydreaming, I had to bite my tongue.

 I  do no longer feel the need to say, "But he's autistic!" every time someone questions his behavior.

I  do love my son!

Lest you think I don't love my son, be assured I do! I love him with all my heart and soul, with a fierceness and protectiveness only a parent can know.

For all the problems we face together, the pride I feel when looking at how far my son has come makes  me glad to be his mom. Even if I'm not perfect myself.

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